dreams

Matt and I were talking about one of his wants in the near future..(remodeling garage for his studio, to put his DJ equip in (turning the two car into a one car) Since the current room must now be a baby room, and it came up about my wants.. I have them, just havent thought about them in a while..

I've put them on the back burner or have had them seem unreachable for so long that I sometimes forget... So I wanted to just write them down. To remind myself that they can be my dreams regardless if I ever actually get to do them or not.

Alot of things come first, I've always believed this, mainly because God has given me other responsibilities that must be met first. Its the order of being an adult, and Parent. Being a parent from when I was 23 means I started that responsibility earlier than some, and unlike other parents, I took that responsibility seriously. plus I tend to put my families needs above my own.. as that is just who I am..

So here is my list of what I've dreamed of. What I want. My secret little goals that sit in my head:

1) I worked so hard to lose my weight the first time... and I WILL do it again after this baby is born.. however, what I know will happen will be the excess skin. It was so hard to have see this baggy saggy skin on my thighs, my arms and my stomach after working so hard.. yes I was small, but the droopy skin was a constant reminder of my struggle and a constant reminder that I was huge at one point. it made me self conscious and not as beautiful as other women. I still had a hard time feeling successful at my weight loss because of it... SO this time around.. when the weight comes off again I already know my skin will be the same.. My dream then and still is to have the surgery to remove it. This is a HUGE dream for me. I cried many nights wishing I could have this done. (Money is the problem here, we're talking around 7k)

2) Since I was a teenager, I LOVED massage therapy. I loved that I could help someone else with touch. I truly believe in touch therapy and have watched it work miracles in other peoples lives. I have always enjoyed giving to others and have been that sounding board all my life. This dream I have had the longest. To go to Massage school, get my LMP license and start my own business. ( $$ and time have gotten in the way!)

3) My third dream is one that I've kinda known all my life.. just didnt know how to make that happen w/ a child and single income. I didnt know where to go and how to get help.. now.. i feel like its too late. Time, money, mortgage that needs two incomes.. blah blah.. anyhow.. my third dream is to go to school and get my counseling degree. I Love listening and helping and being there for other people, this would be a Job I would LOVE.. instead of the job i have to just get by with. ( again, money and time and work get in the way)

4) This is a silly dream, but a dream nonetheless. Its actually something that means a GREAT deal to me. its a functional kitchen. I love to cook and am at home in a kitchen. Having a nice spacious working kitchen would feel so nice! I want to do what makes me happy and cooking gives me that. Right now, our kitchen is small, unfunctional, with poor layout, poor space, poor storage, poor counters, terrible cupboards that I cant reach because they are too high.. just all and all a crappy kitchen. This dream will come true I think.. if we can ever afford the remodel.. kitchens are pricey!

5) For all who know me.. Im a bathroom girl too.. I love my baths.. Relaxation and meditation mean ALOT to me. I NEED them. I relax and meditate in water.. its what centers me. Having a bathroom that speaks this level is so important.. its hard to relax and meditate when you can see the gross mold on the window.. or the bathtub is a cheap piece of shit and can barely hold enough water to cover your lap. the walls are ugly and the man who put the towel racks in didnt anchor them so they've all ripped from the wall. This is a dream I can make come true i think as well.. I've just got to save some money for paint, a new bathtub with JETS! and new wall mounts/shelving. A new toilet would be good too, because ew.. this one is old.

6) since im on the path of remodeling.. the bedroom is my next dream :) man oh man would I like a nice new vanity and flooring.. the current is so bad its disgusting! may be reachable.. but its a money thing.

7) my daughter is coming into the age where I need to prepare!!! My next dream and HOPE is that I will find the money to send her to college.. NO MATTER WHAT! I will sell my kidney if needed.. that girl WILL have opportunities!!!!! This is a dream.. because right now, it feels unreachable.

8) another dream is to just enjoy life.. its hard to enjoy all parts when its just work, work ,work (at a job you dont really care for), come home, cook, go to bed. repeat. ... There HAS to be more.. this feels so mundane and repetitive and lonely that it drives me crazy. I then just bug everyone else, because I come home and want to talk, Play, visit and shake that repetitiveness off.. which not everyone wants to do..I really miss my family when im at work, I just think of all the mess at home I need to get done.. clean, prepare dinner, and spend time with Matt and kaytlin when they get home...I know thats very old school mentality as it seams everyone else just wants to be left alone..but its there.. Im a domestic at heart. This is a dream that just is what it is.

9) and 10) are very private and personal dreams that I can not share.. they are for me and me alone..they are both unreachable.

To those that think it would be so simple to accomplish these.. I'd love to hear how.. the money part I talk about is that these all take a large sum of money.. We dont have it. Period. even with two full incomes.. this is a hardship. For a few of these.. time is also needed.. I mean.. it would require me to work part time..PLUS money.. this is not possible. Period. We can not afford it. and just as before, we are going to be parents.. and that is a responsibility that trumps all else.. as God has put this before us and He says this is our journey now.

I'm ok if my wants never make it to fruition.. JEHOVAH-JIREH ( The Lord will provide)